Glimmers
March 26, 2009
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22,23 NRSV)
I have no idea how many wedding ceremonies I have done. All have been a privilege for me. Ministry has its perks. The best perk of all is that I have been the minister for my own daughters’ weddings. The last of the three, my youngest, is to be married this weekend.
I have often been asked as a minister/father how I could do both. “How does it feel to give your daughter away?” “How can you do the ceremony without losing it?” I can tell you that I wondered myself.
Candace, the middle one, was the test case. Any doubts I had about relinquishing her to the love of another disappeared as I stood at the end of the aisle. At her wedding, at the wedding of her sister, Jessie, and now with Amanda, it was all about the person at the other end of the aisle. I wondered, “Does he love her as much as I do?” “Can he be trusted to care for her, to defend her, to protect her and to put up with the peculiar quirks that so endeared her to me?” In each case I have been able to say yes to those questions and have thus far found my trust well placed.
Their lives, and my own, will take many twists and turns in the years ahead. Who can predict what will come? Death and taxes may be certain in life. Few other things are.
Thomas Obediah Chisholm, the one who wrote the lyrics for the classic hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” battled the ups and downs of uncertain health most of his life. The only thing constant about his health was that it was constantly changing. That uncertainty drew him to Lamentations 3:22-23, and that inspired the lyrics to the now famous hymn. There he found “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”
So as we round the turn and come to the end of the aisle, I’ll let go. He’ll take her hand. We’ll recite ancient and holy words and send them off into uncertainty. I can do so with confidence because of some other ancient words that once inspired a man named Thomas Chisholm. I trust those most of all.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Make a bid!
My first experience at an auction was as a boy at the Bradford County fair in Starke, Florida. The auctioneer was selling steers that had been raised by kids in the Future Farmers of America (FFA). I remember thinking how foreign the language sounded and wondering how anyone could spit words out so quickly. He called for bids, acknowledged bids and challenged the bidders to ante up higher and higher until he said “Sold!”
In their book, The Relationship Cure , authors John Gottman and Joan DeClaire talk about relational bids. These are efforts to connect with others. We all make them, these bids, with a look, a smile, a greeting or a comment that invites others to connect with us. Dr. Gottman speaks about three possible responses to bids and the differences those responses can make in a relationship. Take the simple question, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” Turning toward looks like this. “I’d love to, thanks.” Or, “That’s a nice invitation, but I can’t. I have to get home to my boyfriend.” Turning away is illustrated by, “No. Sorry, I’m busy.” And turning against by, “No, I’m cleaning the lint out of my dryer tonight" (p. 55).
The different responses show varying levels of regard toward the other. Turning toward shows a highly positive regard. Turning away is less positive and bordering on indifference. Turning against is negative and moving toward hostility.
Dr. Gottman’s research with hundreds of married couples revealed that in couples headed for divorce, men turned away or against their spouse’s bids 82% of the time and women did so 50% of the time. In happily married couples the numbers were 19% of the time for men and 14% of the time for women (p. 4). Dr. Gottman observed that when people received consistently negative responses to their bids, they quickly gave up trying and the relationship deteriorated rapidly.
This bidding process doesn’t just happen between couples. We make bids and receive bids from co-workers too. Patients bid for caregivers’ attention with call lights, questions and facial expressions.
Right now, somewhere, someone is making a bid to you, bidding for your attention or care. Which response will you choose?
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
In their book, The Relationship Cure , authors John Gottman and Joan DeClaire talk about relational bids. These are efforts to connect with others. We all make them, these bids, with a look, a smile, a greeting or a comment that invites others to connect with us. Dr. Gottman speaks about three possible responses to bids and the differences those responses can make in a relationship. Take the simple question, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” Turning toward looks like this. “I’d love to, thanks.” Or, “That’s a nice invitation, but I can’t. I have to get home to my boyfriend.” Turning away is illustrated by, “No. Sorry, I’m busy.” And turning against by, “No, I’m cleaning the lint out of my dryer tonight" (p. 55).
The different responses show varying levels of regard toward the other. Turning toward shows a highly positive regard. Turning away is less positive and bordering on indifference. Turning against is negative and moving toward hostility.
Dr. Gottman’s research with hundreds of married couples revealed that in couples headed for divorce, men turned away or against their spouse’s bids 82% of the time and women did so 50% of the time. In happily married couples the numbers were 19% of the time for men and 14% of the time for women (p. 4). Dr. Gottman observed that when people received consistently negative responses to their bids, they quickly gave up trying and the relationship deteriorated rapidly.
This bidding process doesn’t just happen between couples. We make bids and receive bids from co-workers too. Patients bid for caregivers’ attention with call lights, questions and facial expressions.
Right now, somewhere, someone is making a bid to you, bidding for your attention or care. Which response will you choose?
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Don't forget the love
Glimmers,
March 5, 2009
My Uncle, Ike Smith of Chattanooga, TN, is in his mid 80s now. From the time my father died in 1968 till now, he has been my link to my father. I learned what I know of my father’s early life from him. I would never have known about my father’s crazy motorcycle wreck on that dark, South Georgia dirt road were it not for him, or how crazy in love my parents were in the early days of their marriage.
Uncle Ike is a retired elementary school principal. His wife, Alice, died almost two years ago. Uncle Ike has been in church his whole life. He has held just about every position one could hold in a local church, except Pastor. I spoke to him by phone yesterday. He asked about the family, “How are those girls?” “And your son-in-law, is he in Iraq or is he home?” I assured him all is well, that Chris is back home and I updated him about the upcoming wedding of my youngest and the baby on the way for my oldest.
He talked about his health. He said he is doing well, getting out some, to the doctors and church mostly. The last time I saw him, he shuffled as he walked in a way that reminds me of the Tim Conway character I used to love to see on the Carol Burnett show. He said that he couldn’t keep up with things around the house like he used to, so he has just had to accept it and let some things go. For someone whose house always looked like a page out of Southern Living, it is no small feat.
But as he usually does, he left me with something thought provoking. He said someone asked him why he went to the City Church and not some other. He said, “I told them I don’t go because of the minister and I don’t go because of the music.” “I don’t go to hear him, necessarily, or to hear the choir.” “I go because they love me.” He continued to explain. “When I get there, they tell me how glad they are to see me. Those big ol’ men hug me and they help me to my seat.” “When they wrap me up in those arms, I feel just like a little child that is loved.” “I go there because they love me.”
I suspect that is why most people go where they do. When they come here, let’s not forget the love.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
March 5, 2009
My Uncle, Ike Smith of Chattanooga, TN, is in his mid 80s now. From the time my father died in 1968 till now, he has been my link to my father. I learned what I know of my father’s early life from him. I would never have known about my father’s crazy motorcycle wreck on that dark, South Georgia dirt road were it not for him, or how crazy in love my parents were in the early days of their marriage.
Uncle Ike is a retired elementary school principal. His wife, Alice, died almost two years ago. Uncle Ike has been in church his whole life. He has held just about every position one could hold in a local church, except Pastor. I spoke to him by phone yesterday. He asked about the family, “How are those girls?” “And your son-in-law, is he in Iraq or is he home?” I assured him all is well, that Chris is back home and I updated him about the upcoming wedding of my youngest and the baby on the way for my oldest.
He talked about his health. He said he is doing well, getting out some, to the doctors and church mostly. The last time I saw him, he shuffled as he walked in a way that reminds me of the Tim Conway character I used to love to see on the Carol Burnett show. He said that he couldn’t keep up with things around the house like he used to, so he has just had to accept it and let some things go. For someone whose house always looked like a page out of Southern Living, it is no small feat.
But as he usually does, he left me with something thought provoking. He said someone asked him why he went to the City Church and not some other. He said, “I told them I don’t go because of the minister and I don’t go because of the music.” “I don’t go to hear him, necessarily, or to hear the choir.” “I go because they love me.” He continued to explain. “When I get there, they tell me how glad they are to see me. Those big ol’ men hug me and they help me to my seat.” “When they wrap me up in those arms, I feel just like a little child that is loved.” “I go there because they love me.”
I suspect that is why most people go where they do. When they come here, let’s not forget the love.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
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