Glimmers
October 9, 2009
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9
The car was packed with all my earthly possessions and I was anxious to get on the road to my new life in Tampa, FL. I had spent the summer after college graduation in Atlanta working as a desk clerk for the Holiday Inn on I 20 East. A new job, new apartment, new city and new life were waiting and I could wait no longer. My Mother came out of the house carrying a box. “Here, this belonged to your Daddy.” My Dad had died ten years earlier when I was twelve. Inside the box was a gray Bradford cowboy hat. I took it with me to Tampa and to everywhere else I have lived ever since. I could not think of parting with it, even though I never wear it. Well, I did wear it once, but only for a sermon illustration. I look rather goofy in a cowboy hat. It is one of the few possessions I have that belonged to him and it helps me feel connected to him in a tangible kind of way. I can take it out of the box, look at it, touch it and it helps me to remember.
I also remember a Thanksgiving years ago, how many I am not sure, when my Mom placed the turkey on the table, picked up her J. C. Penney electric knife and said, “How ‘bout you carve the turkey.” To me, it was a passage, an invitation to adulthood. After her death in 2001, it was the only thing that belonged to her that I really wanted. I still have it. It still works perfectly and through it, she is present with us at every Thanksgiving and Christmas.
As with most people, I don’t like all the things my parents gave me. All the memories are not good. My parents were imperfect. I give them credit. They did the best they could. But some of their ways were not emotionally healthy and I struggle to relate to those I love in better ways than those I learned growing up. Struggle is the right word because it is just that. Choosing differently takes some work.
Believe it or not, the holidays are just around the corner. Memories will fill the air along with the aromas of the holiday feast and the carols. Some of your memories may be painful. Some things you may not wish to carry forward with you as you go. Some things you couldn’t possibly part with. We get to choose what we want to keep and what we want to let go. Let go of the hurts and disappointments. Like my parents, your loved ones were human too. Forgive them if you need to. Forgive yourself if you need to. But hold on to the good stuff.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Showing posts with label family systems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family systems. Show all posts
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Glimmers
June 3, 2009
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (I John 4: 7-8, NIV)
My grandson, Evan Joshua Conti, laughs in his sleep. I mentioned this to Eileen, our lactation consultant here at Parrish Medical Center and she said, “He must be a happy baby.” That he is. At a little over one month old, he has had the blessed good fortune of being born to two loving parents and is reaping a legacy of love from their two extended families.
Huey Lewis and the News recorded a song, “The Power of Love,” that begins like this;
The power of love is a curious thing,
Make a one man weep, make another man sing.
Change a heart to a little white dove,
More than a feeling, that’s the power of love
Evan already responds to love. Because of love, his brain is making all kinds of connections that will enable him to love and be loved. But even more fundamental than that, these connections will enable him to be fully human.
Yesterday, I heard a counselor talk about the research being done on attachment disorders. Attachment disorders occur when babies don’t experience love consistently during their first three years of life. It doesn’t just affect their ability to love. It can affect the ability to process information, the ability to understand language, the ability to comfort and soothe one’s self, the ability to control impulses and the ability to make appropriate connections with others. Love really is powerful stuff.
Don’t need money, don’t take fame
Don’t need no credit card to ride this train
It’s strong and its sudden and it’s cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That’s the power of love.
It can even make you laugh in your sleep.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
June 3, 2009
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (I John 4: 7-8, NIV)
My grandson, Evan Joshua Conti, laughs in his sleep. I mentioned this to Eileen, our lactation consultant here at Parrish Medical Center and she said, “He must be a happy baby.” That he is. At a little over one month old, he has had the blessed good fortune of being born to two loving parents and is reaping a legacy of love from their two extended families.
Huey Lewis and the News recorded a song, “The Power of Love,” that begins like this;
The power of love is a curious thing,
Make a one man weep, make another man sing.
Change a heart to a little white dove,
More than a feeling, that’s the power of love
Evan already responds to love. Because of love, his brain is making all kinds of connections that will enable him to love and be loved. But even more fundamental than that, these connections will enable him to be fully human.
Yesterday, I heard a counselor talk about the research being done on attachment disorders. Attachment disorders occur when babies don’t experience love consistently during their first three years of life. It doesn’t just affect their ability to love. It can affect the ability to process information, the ability to understand language, the ability to comfort and soothe one’s self, the ability to control impulses and the ability to make appropriate connections with others. Love really is powerful stuff.
Don’t need money, don’t take fame
Don’t need no credit card to ride this train
It’s strong and its sudden and it’s cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That’s the power of love.
It can even make you laugh in your sleep.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Friday, May 1, 2009
Welcome to my country!
This past Tuesday I attended the 16th Annual Hospice Foundation of America Teleconference. The topic this year was “Diversity and End of Life Care.” It was well done, informative and helpful. It emphasized the importance of respect for cultures other than our own and encouraged curiosity. It recommended inviting others to be our teachers about how they understand the world, their illness, and how they make meaning of it all. It was good advice.
As I often do with such things, I went off on a couple of tangents from the original intent of the teleconference. First I reflected on my own family system. All three of my daughters have now married. Accepting and welcoming new members to the family is an intentional exercise in cross-cultural communication.
My sons-in -law all come from differing family cultures and regional cultures and it has sometimes seemed as if they are aliens from a foreign country. Jessie’s husband, Josh, is a prime example. Every now and then he comes out with something that causes me to shake me head and go “What?”
Josh is as good-hearted a person as you’ll ever meet. He is American, Caucasian, Christian, and English speaking so you’d think understanding him should be easy for me. It is, most of the time. But every now and then, I just don’t get him. The same is true of the other sons-in-law to varying degrees.
The teleconference gave me an idea. What if I thought of Josh as someone from a foreign country? Then I wouldn’t be surprised when I didn’t get something he said or did that seemed foreign to me, but was in alignment with his regional and family culture. He is, after all, from New Hampshire. It’s like a foreign country. I told him when he did or said something that seemed odd to me, I’d say, “He’s frum the Noth, he cain’t hep it!” We all laughed. But he got it. Later in the conversation, he said “Well, in my country…” and the laughter started again.
Reflecting further, I think there are striking similarities to adding new family members and adding new members to our Parrish Medical Center team. We too have a distinct culture that may be foreign to some. Helping them understand it and become acclimated to it is an exercise in cultural competence. It requires respect and curiosity from us all. Accepting new family members as family is a sign of good family health, at home, and at work. So the next time you have the opportunity to welcome someone to your family, or to your work team, you could say, “Welcome to my country!”
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
As I often do with such things, I went off on a couple of tangents from the original intent of the teleconference. First I reflected on my own family system. All three of my daughters have now married. Accepting and welcoming new members to the family is an intentional exercise in cross-cultural communication.
My sons-in -law all come from differing family cultures and regional cultures and it has sometimes seemed as if they are aliens from a foreign country. Jessie’s husband, Josh, is a prime example. Every now and then he comes out with something that causes me to shake me head and go “What?”
Josh is as good-hearted a person as you’ll ever meet. He is American, Caucasian, Christian, and English speaking so you’d think understanding him should be easy for me. It is, most of the time. But every now and then, I just don’t get him. The same is true of the other sons-in-law to varying degrees.
The teleconference gave me an idea. What if I thought of Josh as someone from a foreign country? Then I wouldn’t be surprised when I didn’t get something he said or did that seemed foreign to me, but was in alignment with his regional and family culture. He is, after all, from New Hampshire. It’s like a foreign country. I told him when he did or said something that seemed odd to me, I’d say, “He’s frum the Noth, he cain’t hep it!” We all laughed. But he got it. Later in the conversation, he said “Well, in my country…” and the laughter started again.
Reflecting further, I think there are striking similarities to adding new family members and adding new members to our Parrish Medical Center team. We too have a distinct culture that may be foreign to some. Helping them understand it and become acclimated to it is an exercise in cultural competence. It requires respect and curiosity from us all. Accepting new family members as family is a sign of good family health, at home, and at work. So the next time you have the opportunity to welcome someone to your family, or to your work team, you could say, “Welcome to my country!”
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My Daughter's Wedding
Glimmers
March 26, 2009
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22,23 NRSV)
I have no idea how many wedding ceremonies I have done. All have been a privilege for me. Ministry has its perks. The best perk of all is that I have been the minister for my own daughters’ weddings. The last of the three, my youngest, is to be married this weekend.
I have often been asked as a minister/father how I could do both. “How does it feel to give your daughter away?” “How can you do the ceremony without losing it?” I can tell you that I wondered myself.
Candace, the middle one, was the test case. Any doubts I had about relinquishing her to the love of another disappeared as I stood at the end of the aisle. At her wedding, at the wedding of her sister, Jessie, and now with Amanda, it was all about the person at the other end of the aisle. I wondered, “Does he love her as much as I do?” “Can he be trusted to care for her, to defend her, to protect her and to put up with the peculiar quirks that so endeared her to me?” In each case I have been able to say yes to those questions and have thus far found my trust well placed.
Their lives, and my own, will take many twists and turns in the years ahead. Who can predict what will come? Death and taxes may be certain in life. Few other things are.
Thomas Obediah Chisholm, the one who wrote the lyrics for the classic hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” battled the ups and downs of uncertain health most of his life. The only thing constant about his health was that it was constantly changing. That uncertainty drew him to Lamentations 3:22-23, and that inspired the lyrics to the now famous hymn. There he found “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”
So as we round the turn and come to the end of the aisle, I’ll let go. He’ll take her hand. We’ll recite ancient and holy words and send them off into uncertainty. I can do so with confidence because of some other ancient words that once inspired a man named Thomas Chisholm. I trust those most of all.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
March 26, 2009
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22,23 NRSV)
I have no idea how many wedding ceremonies I have done. All have been a privilege for me. Ministry has its perks. The best perk of all is that I have been the minister for my own daughters’ weddings. The last of the three, my youngest, is to be married this weekend.
I have often been asked as a minister/father how I could do both. “How does it feel to give your daughter away?” “How can you do the ceremony without losing it?” I can tell you that I wondered myself.
Candace, the middle one, was the test case. Any doubts I had about relinquishing her to the love of another disappeared as I stood at the end of the aisle. At her wedding, at the wedding of her sister, Jessie, and now with Amanda, it was all about the person at the other end of the aisle. I wondered, “Does he love her as much as I do?” “Can he be trusted to care for her, to defend her, to protect her and to put up with the peculiar quirks that so endeared her to me?” In each case I have been able to say yes to those questions and have thus far found my trust well placed.
Their lives, and my own, will take many twists and turns in the years ahead. Who can predict what will come? Death and taxes may be certain in life. Few other things are.
Thomas Obediah Chisholm, the one who wrote the lyrics for the classic hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” battled the ups and downs of uncertain health most of his life. The only thing constant about his health was that it was constantly changing. That uncertainty drew him to Lamentations 3:22-23, and that inspired the lyrics to the now famous hymn. There he found “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”
So as we round the turn and come to the end of the aisle, I’ll let go. He’ll take her hand. We’ll recite ancient and holy words and send them off into uncertainty. I can do so with confidence because of some other ancient words that once inspired a man named Thomas Chisholm. I trust those most of all.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
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