One of the truths of relationships is that a move toward someone, by risking self-disclosure, trusting them with a part of your life you share with trusted people, usually results in a corresponding move in your direction. I move toward you, you move toward me. If you move toward me, I am inclined to reciprocate. It is the basic stuff of human connectedness.
One November Saturday in 1979, I heard someone singing in the sanctuary of the Riverhills Church of God. At the time, I was teaching at Riverhills Christian School, operated by the church, in Tampa FL. I made a staggering $161.00 a week, if memory serves, and I worked part-time as the church janitor for some extra cash. That's why I was there on that Saturday.
I walked into the sanctuary through the side entrance, near the stage and I saw James Byrd, my pastor, sitting at the sound table in the back of the church. With earphones on, he was practicing his solo for the Christmas cantata, "His Love Reaching." I paused in my duties, unseen by the singer and listened to his clear baritone sing, "Love kept on longing, and Love kept on reaching, right past the shackles of my mind..." Believe me, it sounded wonderful.
I have thought of that moment and that song several times this week as I anticipate Christmas. Christmas is the story of God reaching for us, God coming to us, God with us. Emmanuel. Coming to us not because we were righteous, or good, or deserving, but because were weren't.
I meet people bound with skackles of their own everyday. You do too. It is easy to dismiss them, to catagorize them, to depersonalize them and dehumanize them. We can come up with all kinds of reasons why they may be entitled to healthcare, but not our care. But in my head I hear that song; Love longing...Love reaching. I am called to care, called to love. Christmas reminds me to move toward them, to reach out to them, to care for them and about them. That's what Love did. That's what Love does.
Merry Christmas
Jerald
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Blessed With Needs
Glimmers
December 4, 2009
“You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.” (Rev. 3:17 NIV)
My Pastor, who I assert is wise well beyond his 35 years of age, is currently preaching a sermon series called “Blessed.” One of the points he made in his last sermon was that we have been blessed with needs. Blessed with needs? The very thought flies into the face of reason. Wouldn’t we be better blessed to be free of needs? Wouldn’t it be great to have no worries? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be self-sufficient and need nothing from anyone and to have no one else who needed anything from us? HALLELUJAH! Actually, no it wouldn’t.
If you have seen the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks, you will remember that he was the only survivor of a plane crash that left him alone on a small, remote island. He had learned how to fish, to provide his own shelter, and he learned how to make a fire to keep himself warm. He even learned how to be his own dentist! But he couldn’t learn how to live alone. His need for an “other” caused him to personify a volleyball and name it Wilson. Ultimately, his need for real companionship drove him to leave the island.
Needs, and our relentless pursuit to meet those gnawing, aching, longings are cleverly disguised blessings. They make us truly human. They drive us to one another, to giving and receiving, to blessing others and being blessed by them. They drive us to acts of compassion for others in need and inspire thanksgiving and gratitude for our own needs that have been met by the actions of others.
Strange as it may seem, having no needs is the greatest poverty of all.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
December 4, 2009
“You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.” (Rev. 3:17 NIV)
My Pastor, who I assert is wise well beyond his 35 years of age, is currently preaching a sermon series called “Blessed.” One of the points he made in his last sermon was that we have been blessed with needs. Blessed with needs? The very thought flies into the face of reason. Wouldn’t we be better blessed to be free of needs? Wouldn’t it be great to have no worries? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be self-sufficient and need nothing from anyone and to have no one else who needed anything from us? HALLELUJAH! Actually, no it wouldn’t.
If you have seen the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks, you will remember that he was the only survivor of a plane crash that left him alone on a small, remote island. He had learned how to fish, to provide his own shelter, and he learned how to make a fire to keep himself warm. He even learned how to be his own dentist! But he couldn’t learn how to live alone. His need for an “other” caused him to personify a volleyball and name it Wilson. Ultimately, his need for real companionship drove him to leave the island.
Needs, and our relentless pursuit to meet those gnawing, aching, longings are cleverly disguised blessings. They make us truly human. They drive us to one another, to giving and receiving, to blessing others and being blessed by them. They drive us to acts of compassion for others in need and inspire thanksgiving and gratitude for our own needs that have been met by the actions of others.
Strange as it may seem, having no needs is the greatest poverty of all.
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Monday, March 16, 2009
Make a bid!
My first experience at an auction was as a boy at the Bradford County fair in Starke, Florida. The auctioneer was selling steers that had been raised by kids in the Future Farmers of America (FFA). I remember thinking how foreign the language sounded and wondering how anyone could spit words out so quickly. He called for bids, acknowledged bids and challenged the bidders to ante up higher and higher until he said “Sold!”
In their book, The Relationship Cure , authors John Gottman and Joan DeClaire talk about relational bids. These are efforts to connect with others. We all make them, these bids, with a look, a smile, a greeting or a comment that invites others to connect with us. Dr. Gottman speaks about three possible responses to bids and the differences those responses can make in a relationship. Take the simple question, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” Turning toward looks like this. “I’d love to, thanks.” Or, “That’s a nice invitation, but I can’t. I have to get home to my boyfriend.” Turning away is illustrated by, “No. Sorry, I’m busy.” And turning against by, “No, I’m cleaning the lint out of my dryer tonight" (p. 55).
The different responses show varying levels of regard toward the other. Turning toward shows a highly positive regard. Turning away is less positive and bordering on indifference. Turning against is negative and moving toward hostility.
Dr. Gottman’s research with hundreds of married couples revealed that in couples headed for divorce, men turned away or against their spouse’s bids 82% of the time and women did so 50% of the time. In happily married couples the numbers were 19% of the time for men and 14% of the time for women (p. 4). Dr. Gottman observed that when people received consistently negative responses to their bids, they quickly gave up trying and the relationship deteriorated rapidly.
This bidding process doesn’t just happen between couples. We make bids and receive bids from co-workers too. Patients bid for caregivers’ attention with call lights, questions and facial expressions.
Right now, somewhere, someone is making a bid to you, bidding for your attention or care. Which response will you choose?
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
In their book, The Relationship Cure , authors John Gottman and Joan DeClaire talk about relational bids. These are efforts to connect with others. We all make them, these bids, with a look, a smile, a greeting or a comment that invites others to connect with us. Dr. Gottman speaks about three possible responses to bids and the differences those responses can make in a relationship. Take the simple question, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” Turning toward looks like this. “I’d love to, thanks.” Or, “That’s a nice invitation, but I can’t. I have to get home to my boyfriend.” Turning away is illustrated by, “No. Sorry, I’m busy.” And turning against by, “No, I’m cleaning the lint out of my dryer tonight" (p. 55).
The different responses show varying levels of regard toward the other. Turning toward shows a highly positive regard. Turning away is less positive and bordering on indifference. Turning against is negative and moving toward hostility.
Dr. Gottman’s research with hundreds of married couples revealed that in couples headed for divorce, men turned away or against their spouse’s bids 82% of the time and women did so 50% of the time. In happily married couples the numbers were 19% of the time for men and 14% of the time for women (p. 4). Dr. Gottman observed that when people received consistently negative responses to their bids, they quickly gave up trying and the relationship deteriorated rapidly.
This bidding process doesn’t just happen between couples. We make bids and receive bids from co-workers too. Patients bid for caregivers’ attention with call lights, questions and facial expressions.
Right now, somewhere, someone is making a bid to you, bidding for your attention or care. Which response will you choose?
Blessings to you all,
Jerald
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)